吃瓜头条

Illustration by Bart Browne

Would you say something you knew wasn鈥檛 true? Would you blithely use a phrase that was in fact complete nonsense? Would you state as fact something that was clearly not a fact?

Well, you would and you have. I have, too鈥攁ll the time. They鈥檙e called idioms, which are loosely defined as a group of words having a meaning the words themselves don鈥檛 actually have. For instance, if you are a native English speaker, you have probably described someone perspiring profusely as 鈥渟weating like a pig.鈥� Alas, my friend, you have sadly鈥攏ot to say wildly鈥攎isspoken. Pigs don鈥檛 sweat. (Well, they do, but just a little.) That鈥檚 why they lie in the mud鈥攖o keep cool. If a pig could really 鈥渟weat like a pig鈥� it would and leave the mud to the worms. (The Spanish, by the way, say sudar como un pollo鈥斺�渟weat like a chicken鈥濃�攚hich makes even less sense since chickens don鈥檛 even have sweat glands, but at least it gets the whole thing out of the dirt.)

Or perhaps you鈥檝e said someone 鈥渆ats like a bird.鈥� Is that so? You鈥檙e trying to say the person consumes very little food, when the words themselves describe a species that eats six to seven times as much as a human every day! (in proportion to their body weight). If I 鈥渁te like a bird,鈥� I鈥檇 be as big as a water buffalo. All I have to do is look at the money I spend on bird seed. It makes me want to yell out the window, 鈥淗ey, all you robins and cardinals and sparrows and finches! Would you please just eat like a bird?!鈥�

鈥淪ick as a dog鈥� is another one. My family dog lived for 16 years and was sick exactly once. And even then he just lay there quietly and got over it鈥攗nlike his owner, who gets a cold and moans and groans like a dying sea cow. Can you blame my wife for saying, 鈥淐ould you please just be sick as a dog?鈥�

There are so many more. How about 鈥渃lean as a whistle鈥�? Are you kidding? People blow into a whistle with their mouths. How clean do you think that is? Pass the bottle of disinfectant, please. And then hit it with a blow torch.

One of my all-time not favorites is 鈥渟leep like a baby.鈥� What鈥檚 the first question you ask the parent of a newborn? Is he/she sleeping? Of course not! Why? Because it鈥檚 a baby! The chances of getting an infant who sleeps through the night are roughly equivalent to pi multiplied by the square root of infinity times two.

鈥淒ead as a doornail.鈥� Where this came from remains a mystery, and rightly so. Who would take credit for complete nonsense? There can be no death where there has not first been life, and nails are not alive.

鈥淗appy as a clam.鈥� Why? Because its shell curves slightly upward like a human smile? How happy is the clam when somebody says, 鈥淗ey, let鈥檚 have a clam bake!鈥�

鈥淐razy as a loon.鈥� This comes from the tremolo or 鈥渃razy laugh鈥� that loons make to signal alarm and frighten off predators. Hey, if saving your life is crazy, count me in.

鈥淒rinks like a fish.鈥� Only if you have gills, and even then a fish doesn鈥檛 put a lampshade on his head and think he鈥檚 the funniest fish in the ocean. (The French say boire comme un trou, which means 鈥渄rinking like a hole.鈥� Now 迟丑补迟鈥檚 drinking too much.)

鈥淒runk as a skunk.鈥� Skunks don鈥檛 consume alcohol and if they did, I鈥檓 not sure who would be more insulted, the drunk or the skunk.

鈥淓asy as shooting fish in a barrel.鈥� If they鈥檙e in a barrel they鈥檙e probably already dead. And so on.

I鈥檝e mentioned Spanish and French sayings along with these American beauties to show that idiomatic absurdity knows no borders. And if I were giving prizes, the trophy would have to go to the Poles for madry jak salomonowe gacie (鈥渨ise as Solomon鈥檚 underpants鈥�). Wow! The guy鈥檚 so enlightened even his clothes are smart. Imagine the scene:

鈥淚 wish to see King Solomon.鈥�

鈥淚鈥檓 sorry, the king isn鈥檛 in but I can give you 15 minutes with his boxer shorts.鈥�

You can be fit as a fiddle, sly as a fox or snug as a bug in a rug, and you鈥檒l never beat that one.